person who is awesome
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I’m just a dreamer and I’m hanging on.
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I feel like my head is a house being lifted into the sky by balloons; heavy yet light all at the same time.
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“i was so sad that it felt like someone had died, like maybe a part of me has died. i have mourned myself, picked out my very own grave and flowers; sunflowers. i have felt enough pain to last me a life time, i am trying my very hardest to troop through it but every step is a battlefield i never meant to trespass into. i am so tired of crying and shaking and breaking. there are bullets flying by my head, grazing my shoulder, and i walk away as if i was unscathed. i was doing so good and now i’m crumbling into a trench, watching my broken pieces cascade down into water. drowning, while i am still on land. i take a deep breath in the middle of class and end up coughing up water into my hands. no one says anything, one person mumbles bless you, but there’s nothing fucking blessed about being broken, it’s just brutal and it’s something you feel like you can never get out of because you never prepped yourself for walking into it. you prep yourself for walking into a big test, you know your reactions for what the outcome may be but there’s never enough preparation for fighting for your life and walking through everyday like it’s really no big deal. and no amount of practicing or preparation could ever make it hurt any less.” — and this pain is a war i never really imagined myself to be drafted in. (via drowningpoetry) -
I remember Skyping you. I was trying to smile. There were tears rolling down my face yet you couldn’t see, the camera quality was bad. I smiled and laughed. You never knew how much I was I was broken.
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I died one day.
People often have a day where they feel that they have changed completely. They say they that died and were reborn. I can only say that I died. My life changed one day but I’ve never recovered from it. I haven’t grown from it, at least not yet.
Sadness is putrid. It seeps into the cracks of everything you love. It infects the things you hold dearest to you. Sadness is my worst enemy. Even though it’s so terrible, I crave it. I unconsciously seek people who tear me down, I bring pain upon myself in some of the most destructive ways, and I wallow in my sadness.
I died one day.
I tried to drown my pain. I tried to strangle the empty feelings and melt away the sadness. It was bad. I was bad for a while. I can’t even count how many letters I wrote to say goodbye. I just wanted to leave.
I wanted to float; I’d float forever through the stars. I wished and wished for an opportunity to come along so that I could end it all.
I died one day.
I died one day and I have never been reborn. It’s like the gun that was held to my head sucked up my sadness. I was so close to perfection. I was so close. It was a high I’ve never felt or been able to recreate but being so close to death felt right.
People call me brave for not doing it. They call me smart and strong. All I’ve ever seen that day as, is a day of weakness. I was a coward. I was almost there but I was afraid, afraid of something. To this day, I wish I knew what that was. Maybe I was afraid of the unknown, or afraid of the pain, or maybe I was scared for my family.
I died one day.
I know that when I find the opportunity, I will float through the stars and it will be perfect.
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(via deeply)
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“ A Letter to Him
I miss you most when it’s raining. The constant sound is a reminder of the way you made me feel; steady and comfortable yet impermanent. Its almost as if everything we did was naturalized by the fact that you needed someone to make your ego stronger. I guess I was the one who would fall under your spell. The wicked torture of adulation brings great condolences to my heart which I am too sad to reciprocate.Everytime I see those thunder clouds, I wonder, what made them so angry? They are angry from being adorned as beautiful by everyone except for who they need the most. They cry and scream in pain because they only need one person to care. The trees and plants grow from the sadness of the clouds and world thrives on.
Sadness can be accepted as a perception that is not limited by the human range of emotions. The deep forlorn sighs of the earth are heard but not cared about. The empty vastness of the universe creates lonely stars, lonely planets, and lonely people. As the rain falls, the ground becomes saturated with what the sky was once abundant with and each droplet is a mere fraction of a whole. Does that droplet even make a difference?
I feel as if I am a droplet of rain, only making a difference to the depleted desert. I guess that’s okay.
As long as I was with you, I was the droplet and you were my desert but you turned into a jungle and let me feel worthless. You made me feel broken and weak.
I listened when you said you loved me. I heard it and I took it to heart. That was a mistake. You never loved me, even if you said you did.
Love isn’t calling your significant other names. It isn’t a one way street. It can’t be broken. Love isn’t love when you use her, when you make her feel worthless, or when you treat her with empty lust. Love isn’t when you hit her because you are filled with anger, it isn’t yelling and screaming, and it never is telling her you would kill her if she left. That isn’t love. It’s fear of being alone.
I’ve been accustomed to saying “sorry” in situations where I’m not at fault for anything. You made me think that everything was my doing. I apologize for everything. You yelled at me and I apologized for making you yell. You dropped a glass and I apologized for not cleaning it up fast enough. You make me cry and I apologize for being a nuisance.
Im getting better. I’m learning to live without you. Im learning to love myself and not say sorry. Im learning to be okay again. Most of all, I am learning how bad you were for me. I have people who care about me now. I have friends again. I am me again.
I do miss you but I’m learning not to. The sky is sad and so am I. Someday the rain will cease and so will my sadness.
”— isszy2 -
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The unsent project